Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
