Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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