she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
