Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Are we still banned from the library?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
