We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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