Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
