he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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