Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
