my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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