I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize