Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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