Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
