Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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