she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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