It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
