Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
