Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
