I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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