Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize