We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
