Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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