"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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