I'm jealous of your bromance
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
