You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
