Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
