i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
