Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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