nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
