I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
