You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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