I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
