Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
