Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
