You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
