I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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