I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
