I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
this will be a night to untag.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
