I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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