Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
