I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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