Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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