Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
