she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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