ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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