put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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