Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Randomize
