Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
