a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
and you fell through a lawn chair
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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