i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I think your dad took our porno
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
