I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
