after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
