I puked a lego.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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