You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
