A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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