you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
