I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
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she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
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People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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