i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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