I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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