My sheets look like a crime scene.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
