her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
