What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
