i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
