I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
